How do you know the difference between a covert narcissist and a malignant narc?
"Covert narcissists were my introduction to narcissism.
Among your first impressions of a covert narcissist will be her aloof superiority, possibly suggesting shyness but, on closer examination, weary quiet indifference to the shenanigans of these base people she’s required to tolerate, in spite of her higher social station. Lucy Van Pelt, but quiet.
If you are not acquainted with coverts, your first one will likely appear to you as being in command of her surroundings and highly self-possessed. It’s a combination of qualities you won’t have seen in a quiet and reserved person, lingering on the fringe of any social activity but not deigning to enter the center. You won’t perceive the crushing insecurity of the person under that formidable mask. Because there are relatively few such people, and you’re likely to overlook them, it’s possible to go your whole life without noticing one - if you’re lucky.
They are intimidating, because there is no perceptible crack in that aloof and world-weary expression. You would never guess that they quake in fear all day.
The covert pushes the world away out of fear, but disguises that fear as superiority.
Coverts will chip away at your grasp of reality using the standard intermittent reinforcement, cognitive dissonance, projection and other gaslighting techniques, until you’ve forgotten why you’re there and can no longer register that this person is behaving more like someone who actively hates you than an actual friend or partner. There will be few to no moments of raging attacks - just chip, chip, chip at you over months or years of low-level passive-aggressive judgment and condescension.
That is, until they decide to discard you. Then you’ll see a level of righteous sadism you had not even caught a glimmer of before - surprise! The only similarity will be the superiority: all the disdain you thought had been directed quietly at the rest of the world is now sprayed liberally and noisily on you. For the first time, this somewhat reserved, low-energy person will show extremely high initiative and manic enthusiasm for burning your identity to the ground.
A malignant narcissist, by contrast, is high-energy from the first moment.
Unlike the case of the covert, where you must parse the statements about other people and the world in general to detect the defensive, hateful passive-aggressive arrogance, the malignant narcissist lets it all hang out.
The covert’s defense against the world is avoidance and withdrawal; the malignant narcissist thrives on confrontation. Spending 2–3 hours a day on the phone berating colleagues, pushing others’ buttons for the pleasure of watching them seethe, and pre-emptively rolling emotional hand grenades at anyone who approaches his desk, before finding out whether the visitor was merely asking about an innocuous procedural matter.
I was once in a meeting with a malignant narcissist and a coworker where it became clear that all his statements during the meeting were intended to make her angry - there was no pretense of addressing the topic at hand. She stood up and almost lunged at him.
The malignant narcissist shares that seeming conviction of superiority and projects the same image of high standing, and is equally empty inside.
Being around a covert narcissist just makes people feel controlled and kind of bad, but they’re not always sure why; a malignant narcissist makes them feel angry, anxious and attacked, and they usually know why.
What can you do if you have such worthies in your family? Get the hell away from them. If contact is unavoidable, avoid confrontation, be bland (read about “gray rock”), and, if all else fails, flatter them to their faces - fawn over them with affection and praise."
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